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‘Keeping us close really meant keeping a close watch, keeping us company and keeping us occupied with her thoughts about how we should run our household.’ I said hearing the bitter tone in my voice ‘There’s a lesson there if you care to listen? Never live close to any of your parents, it’ll never go well, trust me!’ Since there were no interruptions from either of them I kept going. ‘Of course Helen was the one who was told off for doing things wrong more often than me, but it seemed she took it all pretty well, she was always the same calm woman that I’d married, always perfectly put together, never a hair out of place…’ I stopped to draw a breath and let go of the old frustrated anger I always felt when I thought about those days. ‘Nothing seemed to shake Helen’s calm until the day my mother-in-law started talking about grandchildren. A year after we’d gotten married and there was still no sign of a baby. I can only imagine what she said when I wasn’t around, but the result was. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.WELL DONE ... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFFDid I read that sign right?In an office:TOILET OUT OF ORDER ... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOWIn a Laundromat:AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUTIn a London department store:BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRSIn an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKENIn an office:AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARDOutside a second-hand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESSSpotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CARSeen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOORNotice in a farmer's field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL.
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