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A bloke is sunbathing with nothing but a hat covering his penis. Two women walk past and one shouts “if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady!” The bloke replies “if you weren’t so ugly the hat would lift itself!”Me: “I can’t believe they’re back together after all that shit”. Wife: “Who?” Me: “My arse cheeks”“So let me get this straight” the prosecutor says to the defendant. “You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man”. “That’s correct” says the defendant. “Upon which” continues the prosecutor “you take out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her”. “That’s correct” says the defendant. “Then my question to you is - why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor. “It seemed easier” replied the defendant “than shooting a different man every day!”My wife came back from work yesterday and yelled at me “All my friends’ husbands have bought an original pink and brown Juicy handbag!” I replied with a wink “Okay love,. " Has it?" Yeah, it has!" he said, emphatically."So what happened?" What do you think happened? She became famous, got offered a shitload of cash... fame and fortune. How could I compete with that?" Her career was more important? That's sad!" I made her fucking career, if you want to know?" he spat, "I groomed her songs, produced her records, got her the gigs, hawked her tapes around the radio stations. We wrote all that early stuff together, her and I, in our shitty flat above that takeaway shop. We wrote together with my old battered Yamaha guitar and my fucked Fender Rhodes piano. We'd get stoned together on Al's weed and fuck like bunnies on my old Salvation Army double bed." I'm sorry," Amanda said, putting a hand on his shoulder. Dude shrugged it off."And you know what, Amanda? Y'know something else?" Amanda could see his eyes moisten. "I put that deal together with the Australians. It was me that talked her into going over. I knew that, sooner or later, she couldn't ignore the.
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