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I was no longer in charge of the asylum.CALM. RELAX. QUIET. I was hanging on those words, trying to imbue them with meaning. I needed them. I needed them as an anchor to a world that just plain wasn't making sense any longer. I needed them to find myself because I had lost me somewhere along the way.CALM! RELAX! QUIET! I let those sounds fill me. I let the meaning of those sounds suffuse me. Not the fucking meaning you can find in a dictionary; their meaning to ME. I let them anchor me in the storm of emotion going through me. I wrapped them around me, letting them calm me. The black rage that was boiling in the pit of my stomach like bile, seeking a way out, trying to own me yet again. That would not do. I needed this, the center of the storm.I opened my eyes on a world suddenly devoid of color; the greens and browns and yellows and reds fading to differing shades of gray. I listened to my breath, measured it. In. Out. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. I closed my eyes and. Ingram, theschool's head of drama."Hi girls," the 30 year old teacher says warmly. "Good to see so manyyear sevens taking an interest this year! Just put your names down onthe paper and I'll add you to the club's mailing list. Do you have anyquestions about the club?" Yes," I say nervously. "I'm, um, I'm Laura White." When Mrs. Ingramdoesn't respond to my 'confession', I elaborate further. "I'm, um, I'm agirl, but before, when I was at primary school, I was-" It's okay, Laura, I know about your situation," Mrs. Ingram says with akind smile. "What was your question?" If I do any acting," I ask hesitantly, "will I be acting as a boy or asa girl?" That depends on the role," Mrs. Ingram says. "Laura, I'm not going toask you to do any part you don't feel comfortable with. You yourselfsaid that you're a girl, so if you'd rather only play female parts,that's fine with me." I grin happily, before writing my name and form onthe piece of paper underneath Suriya's and Nicole's names. On the.
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