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Went out last night and got really wasted.I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.The wife's back on the warpath again.She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport."Nationality?" asks the immigration officer."German," she replies."Occupation?"No, just here for a few days."As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I. Miller brought the girls from that class into the classroom. After everyone was settled, she got up, a card in her hand. "You are all excused from class for the rest of the day," she said. "The teachers of your other classes know this and have planned accordingly. Please stop by the school store before you leave. You will each find a $25 credit voucher with your name on it. This is to be used to purchase something sexy to wear tonight." Do we wear it in public?" Suzy asked.Mrs. Miller smiled. "That's your choice. Some girls do, some don't. You realize, don't you, that elsewhere that wouldn't even be a question. You wouldn't wear sexy clothes anywhere outside of the bedroom."Now about the party tonight; you've heard that kids from different schools will be there. I would suggest you branch out. Meet new people, not just the people from this school. Try new things. After tonight you'll be allowed to go to the clubs in town, and you'll have to make your own way and your own.
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