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He had this wife. so pure and giving. i had never met anyone selfless until i met her. i remember when he and i would go to pick up his two boys on the weekends how she would invite me in from the car, where i preferred to sit. she’d make me sweet southern iced tea. things sweet always turn bitter to me after a while. i sat there in her trailer, where she had to move after he left her with two young boys. i looked at the cheesy praying hands plaque on the wall, the cellulite around her big thighs…kids with dirty faces. i was like a diamond ring attached to this plastic mardi gras necklace in her home. i hated being there. i hated her for being so fucking nice to me…for admiring me… like an abused old dog who loved anyone as long as you didn’t hit it. one weekend, she asked me if he [her husband, my live-in lover] missed her iced tea? i said ‘yes, he does’ and she proceeded to make me some tea, showing me exactly how to make it. she had a funny way of using a giant pickle jar as a. “I received reports from the Army Commander, the Commander of the Wolfcraft squadron. Of course Deepa also keept me informed.I would like to say I am very proud of your conduct.”His praise touched me deeply and I wanted to say something but he held up his hand and stopped me. “Eric, I know how you feel. You lost men flying with you, you let the transports pass and land and you feel responsible for all this, but at no point did you fail or do anything wrong. Despite all the things I know about you and what you have achieved, you are still just a Midshipman. Yet you have performed and served like a real Officer and there was nothing you could have done to prevent this. Don’t count the dead Eric; count the living that you saved with your actions. Without you, no one would have made it.”He actually padded my shoulder. “If it means anything to you, Midshipman Olafson, you earned my respect.”The numb feeling I had since I had held the dead Holdian commander, the blame and guilt I felt for.
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