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I could only shake my head. If only I didn't have something more pressing and urgent to do.I had been in the transporter room, seeing Felicity off, when the message came through. The tribunal was in session and my presence was expected at 1430 hours. I had just under an hour to get back to my pod, get cleaned up, get dressed, then back out the door and finally arrive at wherever I was supposed to go.It was a people mover like you find in major airports, except it was in a self-contained tube and seemed to move a lot faster. I looked down and took in my newly slimmed body, now encased in a grey dress uniform. It's what I was told to wear for the hearing. There was no rank insignia apparent, but I'd done enough research to know I was clothed in Civil Service grey. If that was the cost of my favor, then so be it.As I rode along, though, Erica's reference to Trisha tickled in the back of my brain. I knew it was far more than a seductive tease or an appeal to every man's supposed fantasy.. Icannot be me again. I cannot live as me. I am a freak. I am a sinner. Iam so unhappy. If I kill myself, I will be at peace. I will not be afraidto be me. I know that suicide is a sin, but I need peace. Mom, You and Dad love me. But would you really love me if you know who Iam. What I did? What I am inside? The truth is that I am a sissy. I feellike I am a girl inside a boy's body. I feel like that this girl ispunching the boy's body, and wants to come out.If the girl in me came out, no one would love me. You wouldn't love me.Dad wouldn't love me. You know me was boy. You want me to play footballand things like that. You want me to like Spider man and action men. Ifyou knew the truth, you would not love me. You would think that I was afreak. That the devil himself was in me. I cannot live without you andDad loving me. At school they tease me already. They don't like the fact that I havelong hair and that I am not that strong. They don't think that I amnormal. They call me faggot and.
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