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My fingering or eating her, both to orgasm, was always an act of love, as was her tossing me off manually and orally. I couldn’t help grinning as I thought, she used to toss me off, now she’s tossed me away. Ho, ho.That was why I felt so much more guilty about Colette. Somehow there was more investment even with her: there was an intensity there; a raging desire to be together, rather than simply to relieve tension. Colette wanted me, and I wanted her. Susan just wanted the relief and the action. There was admiration, affection, friendship with Colette. Admittedly it was quite light hearted, and the commitment was not in any sense complete, but there was a certain investment in each other.Whenever I went over these things, I felt a growing anger and sense of betrayal and also guilt, both. Penny had deceived me, not once but over and over, and she had lied.I had betrayed her trust, but she did not know that. As far as she was concerned, in those weeks before I went with Colette, she. "Okay," I broke the silence, "you're right. I guess my nature isto worry about others all the time. Like, what do they think about me, amI offending them, that kind of thing. It comes from this crazy servantmentality I inherited from my Mom. Now I can see it has a good side and abad side. The bad side is that, like, I deny who I really am so everybodyelse will feel comfortable around me. I need to stop doing that." Don't 'need to', Sandy, just do it. And you know something? I alwaysfeel comfortable around you, unless you're trying to be something you'renot. Maybe everyone else does, too. I didn't tell you this before, andlike, I wasn't going to, but I've never seen you happier than all thetimes this summer when we were working for the Taylors. You probablythought you were pretending to be someone else, but I thought you weretotally being yourself." She looked me in the eye. "I kinda like thatperson."I don't know exactly why, but those comments touched something deepinside me, and I.
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