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But wait, its not what you think. Let me explain about this new kid at work and Ill circle back to the blowjob. I think the reason Im feeling different about Ethan has something to do with this new kid, well, not him directly but my reaction to his reaction to me.. ok.. Let me back up. So theres this new kid. Hayden or Jayden or Aden? Whatever, theyre all equally dumb fucking names. I think hes literally 19 years old. He did the over-achiever highschool nerd thing and bypassed college, went straight to one of the hacker bootcamps. Anyway hes white and young and a boy, and he wears hoodies and speaks Golang so of course we hired him. Anyway I got stuck pair-programming with him the other day and were right in the midst of figuring out this data structure when he asks me out. Yes, on a date. Blurts it out like zomgDoYouWannaHaveCoffeeWithMe xoxo love hay-jay-ayden. I mean, ok it was kind of cute, but really poorly fucking timed. I was not in the right frame of mind, and it basically. When it was just the first man raping me, I tried to avoid him, and sometimes I could do it for weeks at a time, making sure we were never alone together. But eventually he figured out ways, and it seemed there was never a day that I wasn’t at his mercy. Assaulted is the best word to use for those first few months. I was hit, pinned to the wall or floor, and choked, all to get me to be compliant and let what was inevitably going to happen, happen. Ultimately I gave in. I was vulnerable, powerless, and alone. Nothing I did was going to stop him, but fighting it made him hurt me, and allowing it made him… well, for lack of a better word, gentler. Letting him fuck me in the bed meant I wasn’t on the floor… and letting him slide in meant he wasn’t forcing himself in.. When I think back on it I feel like I was being weak, but then I remember how physically weak I really was, it was just a means of making it through and surviving a difficult situation. It was sometime after I stopped.
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