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Most dating is in groups until the boy says «好きです» (suki desu).”“Is that what you meant when you asked if I love you?”She nodded, “Yes.”“And I called you Sakurako-chan,” I said, realizing that I had initiated that new level of intimacy.“Yes,” she said simply.I smiled, “I think I understand a bit better now. If I may be completely honest, I didn’t think we were dating. We were, weren’t we? And I misunderstood?”Sakurako was quiet for a moment, then spoke softly, “Japanese prefer to show love rather than speak it.”And suddenly I understood. I hadn’t used the Japanese words to change the relationship, but I certainly had acted in a way that conveyed the meaning of the words I hadn’t known about, much less uttered. Nor had I known anything of Japanese courtship rituals. I’d been culturally ignorant, and THAT was how I found myself in this predicament.“I invited you to stay for tea,” I said, slowly letting out a breath. “And to you, I was saying ‘«suki desu»’ even if I didn’t use the. They were greatly appreciated. ========================= Each Day Each day I wake up. I get up and begin a day I know I will dread, no hate. I do this because I have to and not because I want to or choose to. What I want seems to be a daydream I really never get to have. It drifts in and before it has a chance to form it disappears, elusively slipping between my fingers. I never seem to be able grasp it. It slides away, farther and farther, each time I try to reach for it. And then I wake up only to find I’m still trapped in this nightmare, a nightmare of a life with no joy, no happiness, no love, nothing but sadness for me. Each day I wake up. Each day I wonder. I wonder what it would have been like. To just have, the briefest of moments to be with you. To be a whole person again. To be a real person with a life again. To be what used to be me. I wonder about a life that can never be now. A life that, that by contrast, is so different than what I have now. I can not hope for this to.
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