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"After a few months, he quit trying to pretend to be like I was. By then, our parents were worried about both of us. When I was fourteen, my mother died. It was the first real family loss I'd ever experienced. I was devastated, and I realized for the first time what real honest pain actually felt like. It's different from the pain I feel from my condition." How is it different?" The specific pain of loss, rather than just a generalized feeling of despair. I ached for the loss of my mother, I've carried that pain with me for many years. It actually helps put my melancholia into perspective for me. I have carried guilty feelings from my mother's passing, fearing that I may have contributed to her death in some way. Caused it somehow by my strange behavior in the year preceding her death." How did she die?" She drowned. No one knows how it could have happened. She was such a strong swimmer too. For years I've wondered if it was a suicide. When they recovered her body, there was no sign. A little later, Dad asked me to come to him as he had something to say. He said that he was going to leave us. He acted real sad about this. He did say one thing and that was not to blame my sister for anything. Dad wouldn't say what I wasn't to blame her for just that it was a secret that she promised to keep. Then he said he was the one who was totally at fault and she was a good girl." Mother never knew he talked to me. Dad made me promise not to say we talked and I haven't to this day. He did say to trust my mother, for she was a good person and wasn't at blame for the trouble and it was him who was at fault. Two days later he was sick and Mom rushed him to the hospital. He never came home."Then things got really bad between mother and Roberta. Mom didn't want Roberta to go to Dad's funeral, but she did anyway. Mom was blaming her for something. I never said anything to mother, but thinking back now I should have stood up for my sister." You shouldn't blame yourself. You were.
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