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In each session, one might say that I experience, from birth to death, the drama of an entire life. It is the cruelty of life, of the tragic and doomed conditions of our life, of our planet's life, of all life, that I am eroticizing in this theater of the psyche. The universe is a cruel taskmaster. No—it is not merely cruel. Cruelty is a human value. The cosmos is cold. It is the utter lack of warmth, of caring or concern, that perversely turns me on. Some masochists enjoy the stimulation of physical pain; for me, the pain I crave is psychological. It is the pain one experiences when one's human warmth fails to melt the cold implacability of the cosmos, as personified by an inhuman god.--or a Master who cares and empathizes not at all when you suffer. All the better if he shows no emotion whatsoever. The perfect Master is enigmatic, like death, like eternity. The clear distinction between mental and physical masochism is perhaps laid out side-by-side nowhere more clearly in a text. I found a place to rent, the lawyer advised me about many things I hadn't thought about, or even realized I needed to either. Nicky was all the time on my cell phone or work phone trying to talk to me. I wasn't taking her calls though.My lack of trying to talk to her was driving her crazy too. Pretty soon she began stalking me. When I'd show up for work she'd be at the door. I would walk past her, not letting her stop me or even acknowledging she was there.This went on for several weeks then one day she wasn't there. I didn't realize that she wasn't there until I was sitting at my desk. I had a strange feeling right at that moment. A kind of loss and sad feeling. She had given up. We had given up. It was over.My attorney called that afternoon and told me that Nicky and her attorney had made an appointment for us to talk about the divorce. I told him fine, and after setting up the date and time, I hung up. I still had work to do, and while I wasn't behind, it was the busy time of the.
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