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When I was about thirty and single—in days before the Internet—I developed tactics for shopping that made dealing with the crowds easier. I didn’t shower, shave, or brush my teeth for three days before going out to hit the malls (in those days, a stubbly face was a sign of poor grooming rather than a fashion statement). On the fateful day, I dressed in raggedy, grubby clothes. A pair of jeans I’d dragged around the garage floor until they were grimy and reeked of oil and gasoline. A tattered shirt. A holey tee-shirt was the best, weather permitting. Then I’d chew and swallow three cloves of raw garlic, washing each mouthful down with a shot of whiskey. Finally, I’d take a fourth shot of whiskey and slosh it all around my mouth and gargle with it before I swallowed, and splash a little more onto my shirt. At the stores, I’d act a little unsteady on my feet and mutter and mumble under my breath. Worked like a charm. The crowds of mostly women would part before me like Moses and the Red. “Society? What do you mean, Opal Anne?”“Paul, rich people have parties with each other. They like to show off being rich and making themselves feel like they are better than others. That’s how they set up the pecking order. More money, prettier wives, better furniture, more servants are the measure. I have more than you, so I’m better than you.”“Really? Now I’m even more set that we never become a part of that nonsense. We may well become the richest people in the Western USA, but I swear, Opal Anne, if you begin acting like those people, I’ll turn you over my knee.”“Me too, Paul.”“What? You’re going to spank me?” I said with a laugh.“If you ever get like those people, I swear I’ll take a shovel to your head.” Opal Anne looked at me and smiled that smile that scared me, because it was somewhere between serious and a joke.“Yeah, you do that,” I said with a smile, hoping that what she said was a joke.Just then Pauli fussed, and Opal Anne opened her shirt to feed our little girl, I had.
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