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The ladies he had met had all been all right to communicate with by email and SMS, but face to face had been a disaster. He was boring, they were boring and boring times two isn’t boring but bloody unbearably boring. One day he got a new colleague. He had been asked to be a bit of a mentor for her, take care of her and answer her questions. ‘Hi, I’m Marie.’ ‘Hans-Olof.’ ‘Nonono, I cannot call you Hans-Olof. Too long, too geeky. I’ll call you Ho, ok? Like an owl sounds and you look sort of like an owl, round and those glasses. Hope you don’t mind, I like owls they’re cute.’ ‘Ho is fine, hoe is not.’ ‘Shit didn’t think bout that, but yo Ho no hoe. Don’t like that gangsta crap anyway. This girl is a good old-fashioned punk rocker. Almost classical music these days.’ ‘You’re supposed to have this desk.’ ‘Next to yours. Perfect. Hey, let me guess…’ This while eyeing through a leaflet of instructions, passwords and routines. ‘I bet my tail feathers you like Talking Heads. Vintage hip,. Even Marie’s, although she seemed to not want to look at me, she was so furious.“Thank you, Mr Warburton. Gentlemen, the first item on the agenda is a motion of no confidence in the board of this company, and that all members of said board be replaced with immediate effect.”There was a moment’s silence, and then an uproar broke out that would have suited any bar during a cup final game. Some were laughing like donkeys, others were roaring like bears and some were squealing like pigs. So perhaps it would have been better suited to any bar during a showing of Animal Farm.My wife now appeared to be so embarrassed at my behaviour that she couldn’t look at me. She was slumped in a seat, shrinking right down in the hope that nobody would notice her.“Any discussion of item one gentlemen?”“What’s to discuss?” roared Collins. He looked squarely at me. “I know you. You’re Bentley’s shit-shovelling husband, aren’t you – the brickie. Perhaps, instead of just using your muscles, you should have.
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