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All of a sudden the crowd outside got very noisy. A few moments later they went silent. I was going crazy with anticipation. The organist started to play. I was straining to look down the main aisle. Trying to get a glimpse of Jen. As I looked back I saw my sister June, she was leaning on Brian. He had his arm around her. She was crying, but when she saw me looking, she smiled. Marcel pulled me back to the side and laughingly whispered, ‘Relax, Henry, she will be here soon. You will have the rest of your life with her, so you can wait another minute or two’ All of a sudden all of the rustling in the church stopped. Only the muted music from the organ could be heard. I knew that Jen had entered the church. I wanted to lean over to catch a glimpse of Jen, but I refrained. The organ swelled aa Mendelssohn’s Wedding March blared out. My heart was trying to beat out of my chest. I was breathing fast and shallow. Marcel put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Deep breaths, slow deep. And then I left to go back to my girlfriends the first chance I got.I couldn't move on from Ben. I couldn't go back to him. I was trapped on one side by my undying love for him and everything he represented in my life. And I was trapped on the other side by the horrors of my failings and the deep-rooted knowledge that the girl I currently was just wasn't good enough for him.I'm not worthy of him. And I don't honestly know if I ever will be.Perfect was impossible. Perfect was an ideal, a mathematical limit that could never be reached. My attempts to BE perfection had always been doomed to fail. Now? Now all I wanted to be was ... his.Bless his heart, he probably would have taken me back the way I am now. I could see it in his eyes before I left him yesterday. He told me he accepted me however I was. He told me he would be perfectly happy with an imperfect me.But I still had my pride.God damn my pride.Sure, it would have been easier to just crawl back to him and heal together. Easier,.
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