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Chapter 7 - DiscoveryExtract - Personal Diary - Jane 24/10/98I had been looking forward to the meal and he didn't disappoint me, taking his usual pride in serving up things I've never heard of cooked in exquisite ways. It was a real pity it hadn't worked out; we were both too headstrong at times I suppose. I still care deeply for him and he is kind to me, even while he is with another as is the case often these days.Soon after we had finished eating he took me over to the seating area and we relaxed. I was soon un-relaxed when he made it clear that he knew everything that had gone on."Jane really, I'm surprised at you." When did you find out?" Quite early on, your programs were very good but not undetectable." I suppose I should have expected it." Sooner or later you would have been found out. I can't decide whether you were being selfish or altruistic. It's rather unique to help yourself out in this way. At least your motive seems to have been kindness and concern for another. That. ..I could have counted the threads in the pillowcase under my wet and sniveling face if I'd wanted. Wow, I thought. I'm being fucked. I'm being raped. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit nothing more profound was being thought, but maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.By the time the increasing pressure of his fingers around my windpipe registered it struck me as a fait accompli, my impending death, I mean, like the ending of a story I'd already read and up to now only half-remembered. ?Oh yes, right, that's how I die, I remember now.? Something along those lines, as if I were Esmerelda in The Hunchback of Notre Dame reading about myself outside myself in a book, if that makes any sense. Maybe it was all the reading I did in my life that permitted me this anesthesic model of depersonalization, even at this most personal of moments. Add that to the benefits of reading, I guess. It helps you live vicariously—and die, distantly, as a spectator.I know. I stopped addressing you, my Reader,.
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