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Being faithfully married for nearly twenty years meant that I had not had many girlfriends, even over the eight years since my divorce, but those that I had had were always beautiful, at least in the accepted definition of the word. Juliet was certainly in that category, now in her late thirties, not that she ever admitted as much, she was still slim and the natural blonde beauty of her youth had blossomed, making her a very attractive woman, something I knew from the many male stares she always pretended to endure. There was no way that Heather fitted that category. I asked myself whether it was pity I felt for her, but quickly dismissed that as a reason, as I knew that it was a more personal feeling than that. I found her eyes fascinating, especially when she had been close and looking up at me. I gave up after a couple of hours when I still could not understand why I was so attracted to her, as I was honest enough with myself to know I wouldn't have agreed to look after her. I could tell she resented me for the pain I caused. I deserved all of it, of course. But I couldn't take the thought of keeping her caged in unhappiness when she deserved to be someone's one and only. To be someone's dearest love and not just my "second choice." After I succumbed to my foolish weaknesses, our relationship became obsolete. There was nothing to try and save, no matter how much we both wanted to make it all work out. I couldn't make her happy and setting her free was the best thing I could do for her. Even if it did hurt the both of us. It's better this way though. I can't even make myself cheerful at the littlest things now. How was I going to maintain a happy relationship when I'm hell bent on giving myself nothing but punishment?It's so sad that I let someone break me like this. Causing my life to turn upside down and make me hate life as well as myself. I can't even believe in myself anymore. I've lost the desire to create and bring laughter to others. I can't.
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