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I retained my physical virginity even while I was giving a guy a blow job in the back seat of his father's car. I allowed a few to go down on me but never anything further than that. It all satisfied those surface needs, but my heart still longed for Jake. It was him I was saving my virginity to and who was the main character in the majority of of masturbation fantasies. I still prefered masturbating while submerged in a tub of water and thrashing about like a seal having a seizure and splashing the bathroom floor. My mother never remarried. She was always a beautiful woman which deepened my resentment towards her. Jake and my mother would remain very close throughout their life. I think they flirted but it never went beyond that. In the sobering passing of time I think I saw that and forgave her her less than motherly gestures towards her son. I kept my own feelings for him safely hidden, not even confiding them to the diary I kept during those years. By this time I knew act of sex. You haveno idea what it's like to have to do as your wife tells you in public,when it's things like 'hold your cousin's hand when you cross the road''eat without opening your mouth dear' 'hold your dolly tight dear, it'sdangerous crossing the road.' I know that Helen occasionally forgot whoI was after a few weeks. She then treated me as if I really was onlyfive.The worst thing was when she told me one day that she was going out forthe evening."I have to have a bit of a break Cindy, you don't mind, do you?"I would have understood it better if I hadn't had the fifteen year oldgirl, Jenny, from down the road, in to baby sit. Alice and I were sentto bed at seven o'clock but I sneaked out to see her and Tracy helpingthemselves to a beer each."What are you doing?" I shouted. "You're too young to drink."She got hold of me and put me over her knee and spanked me. It hurt mybehind but even more I felt humiliated, especially when I actuallystarted to cry. She told me that if I said.
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