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After that initial numb shock, I wanted to die, and wanted to die every day, every minute of every day. I’d lived for her eyes to see me and her ears to hear me and no one else would do, nothing else would substitute. I was used to the pain of losing women, but this was truly devastating. Lexi was the one I’d revealed myself to at great pain, and I thought that pain had purchased something. It hadn’t. In the end your pain matters only to yourself. And what made it all so much more incalculably worse than a normal break-up—what made it so insulting, so offensive and hurtful—was the fact that she had dropped me for someone new. She had someone new to love and be loved by, someone she loved better and more deeply than she’d loved me, someone who touched her in ways I’d never touched her, someone she gave herself to in ways she never gave herself to me. She was apparently his sub, his submissive. From the start, her stories about them involved him dominating her and her suddenly. ‘I think about her sometimes yes, but I don’t miss her. I rue the day I put that ring on her finger.’ So stunned was she by his admission, she almost choked on her coffee. ‘you seem surprised,’ he observed with a rye smile on his lips. ‘I know it might be an out of the ordinary for me to admit such a thing but it’s utterly true. I think toward the end of our marriage I hated her. You can’t keep hating a dead person, but I curse her for every day she lived for killing our son.’ Sara gasped. She had thought his first confession shocking but this one beat the previous one hands down. ‘I thought it was a car accident that had killed them.’ ‘It was, but it was her fault. I take responsibility for part of it myself, but she had left the house in a rage and before I knew it she had sped off, with our son. She had been drinking and……’ his voice wavered and he looked away embarrassed at the tears forming in his eyes. ‘You don’t have to go on if you don’t want to. I should never have asked you.
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