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“Looks like we got a little more to do, then. We need to write up an inventory of everything that was stolen, and its value, to attach to your statement. The Judge in Santa Fe will need that to figure out which level of crime was committed. The larger the value of the items stolen, the more serious the crime and the more prison time.” After a short pause I told the clerk, “Open the safe, pull everything out, and set it on the counter here so we can write up the inventory.”Eager to assist us, the clerk hurried over to the safe and opened it up. He came back with an arm load of documents, a small money box, and an obviously heavy burlap bag. Placing everything on the counter he said that was all there was. I asked the clerk to pick things up one at a time and tell us what it was and how much it was worth.The clerk did as I asked. While Ed wrote down what the clerk said, I examined each item to confirm what it was. The various forms, stamps, and ledgers had no real intrinsic value of. So if that's the problem, the obvious solution is let myself open up. To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep.
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