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K. Here’s an elastic band, just before he gets you into bed, go to the toilet and stick this up your you know where and when it twangs and he asks you what that was, you say it’s alright darling that’s just my virginity going.”So the wedding goes ahead and on the wedding bed ‘twang’ “What was that”, the new husband asked.“That was just my virginity, darling.”And the new husband was happy.Some time later the second daughter was due to be married, went to her mother and said “Mom, I’m getting married to Frank tomorrow but I’m not the virgin he thinks I am.”“How many men have you been with” asked the mother.“Only three” said the daughter.“Alright, here’s three elastic bands, just before you get into bed on the wedding night go to the toilet and stick these up, when they go ‘twang’ you tell him it’s just your virginity going”And again all went well.Then the third daughter came to her mother and said “Mom, you know...”The mother interrupted “I know, you’re getting married to Bill, he. .. I didn’t think Em would bring me back if I drove up there with her.”“You could have called a cab,” I said dryly, then sighed. “Done is done. What’s on your mind? Or were you just calling to ask if we could still be friends?”“I was hoping you’d come to dinner and meet him,” she said in a small voice and Emma recoiled from the phone, looking at it in shock.“You want me to come to dinner and interview my replacement?” I asked, incredulously. “There’s not enough booze in the free world to sign me up for that shit-show,” I blurted. “At BEST, I’m treated to a nauseating meal full of the two of you kissing and cuddling and choosing between vomiting on the table or clamping my mouth shut and hoping you both take it for a smile. At worst, it turns into a passive-aggressive turkey shoot. Why, in the name of cake-baking Christ, would you think to ask me to a dinner date with the two of you?!!?”I could feel her cringing. Emma and Hanna were horrified and I was pissed. I waited for an.
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