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I'm afraid I've hurt him too much.We haven't talked much since that day when Mark walked out of the doctor's office--just briefly, and about things to do for, or with, Alyssa. I don't know what to say to him anyway. Doctor Jamison says I need to let my guilt slide away but I don't know how to do that. I am guilty... guilty of cheating on Mark, and Alyssa too. My God, the memories of what I said to him the last night I was with that Brian haunt me day and night. I can't sleep without hearing those awful words again. I don't deserve a man like Mark. He's right to have pushed me away the way he has.I can't explain how those long months when I was seeing Brian seem so unreal to me. It was as if I had pillows for shoes--the ground didn't feel solid under my feet, except that... at the same time, in my head, I saw me walking down the edge of an endless razor blade. It was like if I made the slightest misstep, I would cut my feet to ribbons... and I would fall... and then I would die. That. He was tall. Dark. He wore a robe sashed at the hip. Behind him a woman, a girl really, about my own age, she two had on a robe, sashed at the waist. And last to enter, the huge oaf of a man who carried firewood and opened the door for Mary. The door closed and I heard the bar fall into place on the outside of the door. I swallowed and waited to be addressed.His eyes covered me from my slipper clad toes to my hair, loose and falling over my shoulders."That chemise is useless on you." He said right off, "It covers nothing. I can see your nipples and the hair between your thighs."I flushed and instantly tried to cover those very parts. "Who are you?"He laughed. "I am to be your husband."I blinked. My mind raced off. My husband? Was he serious? Is that why my father had not come? No, my father would not allow this. Was my mother behind it? I had known she wanted me wed but not like this!"You lie."He laughed."Does it matter? I have been assured of your virginity, the sons begotten on you.
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