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I had to stay with them due to the lock down. One day I was really bored and my granddaughter Lisa was at work. Her boyfriend Phillip worked from home. He was on his computer in the den that day when I went in there to ask him about making myself a profile on a senior dating site. He helped me set everything up made the profile uploaded my picture and also showed me how to use it on my phone. I thanked him and went about my way. Little did I know that Phillip immediately went on the senior website and made himself a fake profile. I was very excited and went into my room to go online. After about 20 minutes of searching I got a like on my profile from a guy named Phil. Didn't have a picture on it, but I thought It was cute since my daughters boyfriend was named Phillip. Anyway we went back and forth with our greetings and messages. I asked Phil why he didn't have a picture and he said, being 70 he didn't know how to upload it. Said he'd ask one of grand k**s next time they visit.Anyway. Then he kisses me, and I can name it.I'm in love with him.I want him to hold me, and kiss me, and do things I am not equipped forwith me ....Then I wake up, crying.I dont know what to do about this.I dont know who I can talk to.I know dreams aren't real, but it comes from somewhere, but where?And its not just the dream. Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror, andI look .... wrong, somehow. I look and I half-expect to see the girl frommy dream looking back at me.And the fact she doesn't is a grief I cant even begin to describe ....I've got to pull myself together, shake this off somehow.I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but who?My dad is a man's man, he's counting on me to follow in his footsteps. Goto collage, be the Big Man on Campus, marry a girl just like mom, he'dnever understand.And Tammy's counting on being the girl in that picture, I can tell this inthe way she talks about our future. And yet the more time I spend withher, the more I envy her more than I desire.
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