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I had sobered up a bit and the reality of what Iwas doing hit me and I was in a panic. I tip toed to the bathroom,wiped off the rest of the lipstick, put on my clothes and left. As Isobered up, I was pretty freaked out. It had been my first experiencewith a man and as a kid growing up, the worst insult anybody could throwat you was fag. And here I was, completely emasculated, but reallyturned on by it. I was not sure of what that meant, or the consequencesof my actions.I had blood in the toilet the next day when I went to the bathroom, butI was scared to go to the hospital. It took about four days for my buttto stop hurting. I masturbated a couple of times every night relivingthe memory of that evening. I did not know my new friend's phone numberand wasn't sure if I wanted to, or should, ever try to contact himagain. I was not sure what my reception would be. At the same time, Iwas fascinated with the role I had played.I went back and forth about the experience, but what it. Nada. Nothing. Not a damn thing. No sign of her. Everything looked oddly clean and tidy and he felt like screwing it all up, simply because he was so fucking disappointed. But he didn’t have the energy. He sank down on his bed and lay there looking at the ceiling through unfocused eyes. Again. He’d let it happen again. Oh my god. Utter, utter, stupidity. Senseless hopes and dreams. He needed to get over these fucking fantasies since they clearly had no hope in hell of coming true. He felt sick. He wanted to break something, but he had nothing dispensable. Instead he clenched his fists and paced around the bedsit, thinking of all the cruel home truths he’d tell her next time she showed up for a fuck. You’re pathetic, and vain, and materialistic, and a heart-breaking nightmare. You turn into a slut when you’re drunk. I hate you. A lot. Almost as much as I love you. He was trying to think of more when the door opened. He spun around and Caroline walked in, like there was nothing.
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