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I tell you this; to explain the full tub of Ranch dip I consumed last night with the celery and carrots. Dip is my comfort food. I am helpless before dip.Jonathan is my lover. There I said. It's done.Tuesday eveningMarch 3, 2015Last night went well. I got one paragraph written. I dropped my bombshell, though, and that was good. I have never told anyone. I hereby confess to everyone now, anyone who reads this account. No one will ever, ever read this account.I don't mean to be flip. This truly is a horrendous situation. Difficult beyond all imagining for a mother, woman, daughter, companion. It is amazing that I haven't lost my mind the way I lost my moral compass in the last 10 months. How effing fragile I've become. How unable to explain why I continue to do this week after week, with no end in sight. People kill themselves over things like this. I wanted to, that first night especially, as the true horror of the situation enveloped me like a death shroud. That's where this account. I realized that she had overheard my remarks and that I had hurt her feelings terribly. I quickly tried to stammer an apology but Sylvia turned on one large high heel and stomped off.I felt badly all day and called her after work and told her that I wanted to apologize for hurting her feelings. She was definitely cold towards me but told me that she would accept my apology in person and gave me directions to her apartment. I really didn't want to see Sylvia but decided that I'd feel better about things after I had cleared the air between us. And hopefully this would convince her to stop thinking of us as a couple. I arrived at her apartment complex and knocked at the door. She answered wearing her nursing uniform. I was relieved somewhat by her attire. If she was due at the ward for the weekend then my visit would not be a lengthy one.Sylvia stepped aside to let me in and as I passed her I noticed a faint medicinal smell, which I assumed was on her uniform. She began to speak before.
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