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I walk on the grass towards the pit. The moonlight bathes the backyard in its blue light. The oiled spit gleams on its iron supports over the charcoal filled pit. Dad set it up yesterday, the kindling, covered by the charcoal, and the four long wicks of rolled cotton that sink to the bottom of the pit, to light it. In between the regular charcoal he mixed self lighting one, to make sure it will light up easily. I helped him set it up, another family tradition I could have done without. A can of lighter fluid to soak the cotton wicks sits nearby.I shiver again, and I know it is not from the cold.The eastern sky begins to turn light.I should return to the house but something keeps me outside. After yesterday's party, no one will be up early today.Under the awning, the hardwood spitting table sits; the straps at the legs of the table await my ankles and wrists. The dark stains, on its surface, terrify me. I shake in terror and tears come to my eyes.It is better I get this over with. And it was our firsts, both of us. Like, our first anything. I think we had enough to work on." Honestly, I wasn't really thinking of sex at all," I said. "I was just... In a state of wonder. I thought I was head-over-heels in love with her, and it was one thing to be able to hold her, to have her next to me in this sleeping bag on the cold carpet floor. It was quite another to... Well, Steve, you know. A woman's body is just something else." Steve nodded wordlessly. "And getting to explore it... Just... My goodness." I came back two days later," Sajel said. "He'd managed to get his hands on some condoms. His parents were still out. Everything looked pretty dandy. Except... I didn't really want to."Only silence greeted that proclamation."I'd realized that I didn't really think of him as a lover. I mean, I loved him, and I still love him, but I wasn't in love with him. He just isn't the sort I fell in love with. But he was... Insistent."Steve's and Shannon's eyes went to me,.
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