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Before the age of twelve I did have some clue (but not much more than that) about my gender differences, but after the events of Thanksgiving week 1967, I pretty much lost all that during my teenage years. (You can find more detail on that elsewhere.) So, is it any wonder that, after being told repeatedly and forcefully over many years that I was basically a waste of perfectly good air, I didn't have a very high opinion of myself? It wasn't until my sophomore year in college, where I was somewhere that nobody knew me or my past, that I didn't have that burden any more.As I grew up, too, over the years I absorbed the message from the media that the transgendered (not that such a word existed back then) were freaks, fitting subjects for humor and derision. And in college, when I put all the pieces together, and figured out what and who I was, I was pretty upset with myself and the cruelties of fate. Like I didn't have enough problems, I had this to deal with too? I hadn't figured out. ‘How can you not know what room she’s in? There’s only, like, five on this floor. Don’t you understand that this is important? That poor baby, it’s gonna come out all fucked-up and shit.’ I can tell them, then run and get Eve. I need to get away from their eyes. I’ll tell them anything. I can feel the reflex as it happens, like a menstrual cramp, inevitable, manifest destiny. Not all people living on Earth have souls. Shambalans try to find the lost sheep. To lead by example, slowly remaking Paradise. My whole back stiffens with memory. I cut off my hair in case he finds me. I did it the minute I got off the bus in the town square. I remember the sore, scabby patches on my scalp. They hurt if I was shaky with the scissors. Then from behind me, two cops taking the scissors away, then me. I can see my hair in a pile in the fountain by City Hall, slowly rippling under the surface of the water and becoming thin black fishes as the car speeds to the shelter, to a different form of his.
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