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Last night at the dinner, I intentionally set with my back to the rest of the diners when I could have set with my back to a wall. I stood there for several moments and made a conscious choice to trust. I didn’t know about half the people there. To most of you that is no big thing. I get that. To someone who has spent their life paranoid with decent reasons for their paranoia it’s a little bit of something. Will I make a habit of it? I don’t know. It’ll be a case by case basis. I did it that time though.What are my plans for the new year? Damned if I know. I’m going to relearn to meditate. Work on being more present when I’m with people. Spend time with a shrink if I can afford it. Find out what Darian is really like. See, in August of 2017, I became a new person. My neurological structure changed. Yet, almost the entire time since then I have been in pain. It’s only the last few weeks that I’ve had any idea what it’s like as this new me not to suffer. Yes, I have limitations. But I. ’ ‘Wow, that’s quite a leap from ordinary sex. I suppose, in a way, it’s not really that far fetched. After all, it would be in the context of a game and I wouldn’t have to say I love him. Boy, I don’t know. When you think about it logically, touching another human being is just that – touching another human being. In that sense, it could be pleasurable if you let it, right? I mean regardless if it was a man or a woman doing the touching.’ ‘On the other hand, I’ve been brought up like most other men to be macho and to think exclusively about women as the objects of my sexual desires. I’m not gay and I prefer women but I don’t know how I would react if Ted – or any man – was being really intimate with me. Wow, – that’s quite a challenge.’ Ashleigh was sitting quietly during his monologue, allowing him to convince himself that he could handle it and perhaps even get some enjoyment from it. Finally, she spoke up. ‘Let’s go into the bedroom and try something, I promise it won’t hurt.’.
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