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It may not be true, but SNX seemed to become a kind of test of our marriage. I imagined her opinion to be: As long as he finishes inside me once a week then our marriage is still a marriage. That’s my view of her feelings about sex with me. Maybe I’m wrong and no one will tell me. I don’t know.I have good hygiene. I’ve been physically fit until my sixties. I’m a father whose children love to talk with him and to be with him. And yet, my wife’s fire and desire for sexual congress went out a long time ago. It was and still is an arduous and confusing time for me. I hear the word “no” more times than a child at Toys R Us.Undershort rolling brought me three specific joys. Firstly, I felt sexy and feeling sexy is all about feeling good. Secondly, I had strong erections that were incredibly well-defined and were sometimes still present when I woke up horny two hours later. And thirdly, it was an opportunity for my wife to voyeuristically see my swollen penis without feeling guilty she was. I also must not jeopardize her position with the company. I must remain professional in regards to her and our interactions. This may be a task that will challenge me but I will, for her sake, not fail in meeting it. It now seems that this will not matter as she has a new job looming in her future and is leaving the company in less than 2 weeks. We have chatted in IM, as this is our only means to communication now, and I wished her the best of luck with her new job. I did my best to be up and not let on that it was killing me. I guess I was convincing enough for she did not suspect anything of my condition. My task now is to repair my sad little world. Get back to a place where I will be safe from the emotional attacks of others. I really am growing tired of this. Everyday is a struggle. I would bury myself into my work but she is there and I worry that I will slip and cause her problems. Everyday I guess it becomes a little easier for me but then there are some days that no matter.
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