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I suddenly sat back and and tried to catch my breath. I was having a problem breathing, like all the air had been sucked off the planet. At the bottom of the last box I had discovered a small, circular container of pills. Small, purple pills - a months supply. I knew what they were, she had taken them before my vasectomy almost ten years ago. Birth control pills, and a months supply, none missing. Was this a stash for when she used up what she had hidden somewhere else?It looked like all of my questions were answered, all of my doubts confirmed. I finally had the answers I needed, my confusion resolved. So why was I feeling like shit? I blinked away the tears that had started to fill my eyes. I fought back the nausea that threatened and took long, deep breaths. I quickly but neatly put everything back as I had found it and walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs. I started for the bar, but stopped - I needed a clear head. I walked out onto the terrace, sat and began to think.I. I didn't fantasize about us as boyfriend and girlfriend, although she was certainly beautiful. It occurred to me that she would make a perfect mother for someone. I hated my own mother with a passion. She was bright, too--like Kayla. But where Kayla was open-minded and sought to be fair to everyone's different points of view, my own mother was prudish and judgemental. She probably considered herself a liberal, but she was more like a stern Puritan in my eyes, always looking down her nose at something.Anyway, I always became angry when I thought of my own mother. I had finally told her towards the end of 2009 that I never wanted to see or speak to her again. Through an email, of course, because I haven't been permitted to have my so-called "mother's" telephone number in years.I began to think about how much different my life might be if I had someone like Kayla as my mother, instead of the bitter old bitch that I did have, who was really no mother to anyone. Once I began having these.
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