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I suffered through many years, and I believe I’ve paid for my sins against you. Still, there you are, dominating my thoughts. Today, when my life has settled, when my nest is complete, and I have time to think, I spend most of my extra time thinking about you. There is a part of me that longs to break my promises in this life I have chosen. There are several parts of me that want to run away, to you. And yet, another part of me wonders if I am the biggest fool on earth for even thinking you care about me after all these years. I will never know if you only wish to watch me suffer like this, or if you also feel the burning desire to be together, again. It would serve me right if it is merely amusement for you. I loved you with every ounce of my being, from the very moment we became girlfriend and boyfriend as kids. Perhaps it’s biological. Perhaps women can never really shut off that part of us that longs for our first true loves. I’ve had two or three loves since then, but they were. And when that happens, we don't trust our bodies any more. Or each other." She put her lips to my hair and I heard her inhale and she said, "Mm. Nice, too." She rose and said sarcastically, "We look like a bunch of eskimos, sniffing each other." We laughed at that and Martha joked, "We oughtta be using whale oil instead of Coppertone." Martha said to me, teasing Ronnie, "She really has this nose thing, Steven, I oughtta warn you," and Ronnie insisted, "Well, I like a body that has a nice feel and a nice smell, and he has both." Then Martha leaned close to my ear and said, "Time to roll over, Steven."I didn't move. I lay rigid.Martha said, "Come on, roll over. You don't want your front to peel."But I remained still, and I heard Martha give a small laugh of surprise. She gave my shoulder a nudge and said, "Come on, roll over. What's the matter?"Ronnie said, "Uh, well, I think the lip treatment might have made Steven a little, uh, you know... al dente?"Martha laughed again and asked.
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