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I can'tstand it. I feel like a big part of me is ripped away. She's going withLaura this time. While they spend the week in Vegas, I'll be spending theweek with my new best friend, who just happens to be a drag queen. Icried last night after she told me. I don't think she heard me,thankfully. 'I could hear him sobbing in the bathroom last night. Music to my ears.I'm surprised by my lack of empathy for Chris. I feel so free. I don'thave to pretend to care. I do with him exactly as I wish and I have noguilt about it whatsoever. I feel like a primitive before themissionaries show up to teach me about guilt. He deserves this, and Ideserve this. He's just so lucky he has me. I love him, I do. I just lovetorturing him. He's forgotten all about his mother's birthday. I haven't. His sistercalled him to remind him and ask him what he wanted to do for herbirthday. I had him call her back when I knew she wasn't home and leaveher a message. "Hi it's me Chris. I'm just way too busy right now to. I took her to the doctor but I already knew what he was going to say. Brianna can’t talk. My drug addiction cost my baby her voice. Cocaine messes with the neurochemistry of the user. It affects the baby too if the mother is an addict, like I was. There’s so much they still don’t know about the long term effects on…on crack-babies.” Samantha broke down again in a fit of sobbing and John held her, tears rolling down his own cheeks. John knew a few things about cocaine. It was a dopamine transport blocker, inhibiting the natural dopamine recycling process in the brain. Dopamine effects the pleasure centers of the brain and the resulting buildup of it from cocaine caused the familiar ‘rush’ that addicts were hooked on. Unfortunately, the body would learn to cope with the unusual circumstances and build a resistance to the dopamine buildup. Normal levels of dopamine from simple joys would no longer be enough to trigger the pleasure response and hence the addiction. Drug addiction was a.
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