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I must have always been gay. I know that now. It must have been deepinside me - repressed - just waiting for a trigger to open it up. He wasthat trigger.But he is not gay. He can never love me the way that I need to be lovedby him. He wants to please me. I am not just his boss. He wantssomething of all the skills that I have. The truth is that he will neverbe a great chef, but he could be a very good one. But I cannot tell himthat. I just cannot afford to lose him. I can never blurt out the way Ifeel. He would leave in terror.Until he came into my kitchen my life was so normal, but now it is inpieces. There is that sense of joy that love can bring, but how can yoube happy when you face the impossible?Diary Entry 4It is done, and I am still alive - but only just.I had the opportunity to talk to him about the feelings that I had forhim. We went to my herb garden together this morning.Of course, he has not so foolish that he cannot see how I look at him.That is why he. I unbuttoned my shorts and slid them down, lifting my butt. I moved my right leg up and used my right foot to kick them off. Then I lay flat. The dowel rod was there, in my underwear, but it was lying sideways.She pointed. “Is that it? Right there?”I nodded.“And it wasn’t hard? Before?”“Not until you took your shirt off,” I said.“Can I...” She didn’t finish, but she was Grandma Mona’s granddaughter, so I knew what she meant.I stuck my thumbs in the waistband of my jockeys, and pushed. Hair showed first, and she gasped.“You’re sure.” I said.She nodded again, and her breasts wobbled some more.I lifted my hips again, and slid my jockeys to my thighs. Then I let my butt back down.She stared. She was holding her breath, because her chest wasn’t moving. Finally she had to take a breath. Her mouth opened and closed again, about three times in a row. She stepped back, and stood back up, while she backed up toward the door.“You’re the best brother in the world,” she said softly. “I love you.
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