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Her voice was low and calm. ‘Of course I knew. If I had ever, ever had a woman lover it would have been you. I even thought about it, like you think about things that you know you simply cant do. I knew you wanted me. But you never made a move because you knew too that I couldn’t and that it would have hurt us both too much.’ She was right. ‘I knew you’d always be my closest friend because you love me and I love you. But we both knew it could never be physical. We never needed to say it, we knew.’ I nodded slowly. ‘I’m so sorry.’ ‘You don’t need to be.’ She stood up. ‘Have another cigarette and come back when you’re ready, OK?’ She leaned down to look closely into my eyes and I nodded again. ‘Silly cow.’ I smiled a wan smile to myself as she walked away. I had never had a lover since University. I had always hoped, always half expected that Jess would claim me. I knew at the same time that she never would but nobody came close, nobody else mattered in that way. Oh, of course I had. " She agreed to my surprise."I am?" Yes if anyone were to find out you probably would be ruined, the kids wouldcertainly be harassed, our lives would be pure hell." Then you're willing to reconsider?" No, absolutely not." But you said"She smiled as though dealing with a child. "I said, "If anyone found out",they won't, now get dressed Beth."I knew better then to argue; all I could do was trust that she knew what shewas doing.We were all given physicals and then met with the counselor. He was verynice, explaining to the kids what was going to happen and what they couldexpect.No, he explained, the boys could not possibly get pregnant even though theywould have functional external female genitals. No, the girls could notimpregnate another girl either. He calmly explained the expected breastdevelopment to the boys and the lack of menstrual periods to the girls. Wewould all go to classes to help us fit in to our new worlds and when we weredone no one would be able to tell that we weren't.
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