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By the time Christmas Eve came round a couple of weeks later I'd gone backto my job as I was still behind with the rent and really needed the money,only too grateful that I'd still been on full pay throughout. And eventhough my life was still at its lowest ebb, I was determined to be thevery last to leave the forthcoming annual office party because I somehowsensed that Siobhan would definitely be there in spirit with me as well.I did feel a little better for going afterwards even though I hardly spoketo anyone as I knew they must all know by now who I was and deliberatelyleft me alone. Then finally with one last long unhappy look around theempty room full of Christmas wrappers, streamers and empty wine bottlesheaded straight for the nearest pub.I seem to remember leaving sometime after 11 definitely very drunk andsoon soaked to the skin in the driving rain, too content to just wanderthe cold dark streets alone which only made things worse.Suddenly I felt a warm draft of air coming out. We all thought it would be a bit of fun. And after all, you are the center of attention. The kind of guest of honor, sort of.”A final ruffle of my hair as she looked into my eyes and this special moment just between the two of us did go along way to calming my pumping heart.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The rest of the evening split into two distinct parts. The dinner itself was high octane torture for me, but exciting just as much as it was painful. Sitting there making small talk as the woman I loved sat there as the dinner date of another guy. Pretending to all the world that they were the couple and I was the outsider. Just a good friend. Watching the way their eyes sparkled and they shared intimate little touched and little half-conversations that only they understood. Watching all of this for the best part of two hours was sweet torture. Made all the worse by the fact that sometimes I knew it was exaggerated and put on for my benefit. But sometimes it was.
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