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Hilary's voice brings this all too brief spell of solitude to an end."It is cold, Ruth Pattison. You should come inside." "I'll be okay," I assure her, though the jacket wasn't designed to keepout the chill of a cloudless northern night."You need sleep." Yeah, I expect I'll nod off the second my head touches the pillow."I feel her take my arm. I make as if to shrug it away, but her touch isinexplicably comforting."We know you are anxious. That is only natural. But the transition is agradual one. It is not a case of one minute you think you are an individualand the next you do not. The illusion of selfhood does not suddenlydisappear. What cease to exist are the mental barriers that prevent youfrom seeing it for what it is."There was no 'decision', Ruth. It doesn't work like that. You don't gothrough an epiphany when you lose your individual awareness. It still feelslike being you. What's changed is that your emotional and psychologicalresponses are now identical to those of every other. I went to work. Mid morning, my mobile phone rang.“Don Upthorpe.”“Oh, Mister Upthorpe. I’m Sister Hopkins at Broomfield Hospital. We couldn’t find anything physically wrong with your wife, and she surfaced early this morning. She ... I’m sorry to say ... it was felt necessary to refer her for a psychiatric assessment. I expect you’ll be hearing from them.”“Well, thank you for letting me know, Sister. Perhaps I shall be able to visit later?”“I should put that off for the time being, Mister Upthorpe, but her doctor will be in touch.”“Thank you, anyway. I’ll let you get on. Goodbye.” Why could I not visit my wife?“Goodbye.”It was evening before I received a call from Doctor Jones at the Linden Centre.“Mister Upthorpe. How are you?”“Coping. I’m afraid I’ve never learned to cook! But I can work out how to work the washing machine. But poor Alice...”“I see. I wonder if you might come to see me tomorrow afternoon?”“Not a problem.”“Would you be in for a visitor in the morning?”“I certainly.
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