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I cannot imagine my home without you to fight with,’ he tried to smile, ‘or talk to about Ladda’s silly quilts. ‘I am … I do not wish,’ his voice trailed away, he lifted his stormy eyes up to the roof, the old beams, the beam with the rope hanging down where he and Tashka used to climb up to get to a cache of apples. He bit his lip as hard as he could without breaking the skin and he managed to force the tears back. He took a draught of ale which they had put in a bowl on his tray. Arianna wordlessly indicated two packets of letters to the side of his plate. ‘Sweet Hell!’ he gasped. He grabbed them and tore them open, without looking at them he threw them angrily into her lap. ‘Lady Hartha el Farin van P’shan and I,’ he said through gritted teeth, ‘have been maintaining a correspondence on a theory of Northern architecture which I have put forward. I imagine her second letter will be to accept our invitation to come hunting in the autumn.’ Arianna went scarlet with shame, her. I was the one who had no eggs in my two follicles — six short of what the doctor wanted, but at least two gave me the chance of twins. It was a nasty shock. I had to face facts for the first time. The doctor, my third opinion, said that my issues were age related and that my real options were donor eggs or adoption, neither of which would result in me having a child of my own. Now I know the objection that some of you are raising: a baby girl to whom I’ve given birth would be mine even if the eggs were harvested from another woman’s body, the young boy whom I adopted would be mine since I raised him. Believe me, my friends, relatives and Prince Charming have all raised these arguments and chastised me for being so selfish as not to see these truths for myself. The truth is that the children would not be mine. It would be me doing what I have always done: sending someone else’s child to school, helping someone else’s child with his or her homework, encouraging someone else’s child..
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