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Why is no one looking at me?? Am I not attractive to lesbians? F*ck, here comes someone. La di da, don’t mind me, I’m just looking at my cell phone, checking all my text messages from all my hot lady suitors… Okay, phew. They passed.”This went on for an hour. I literally sat there, surrounded by sexy women and fun music, staring at a blank cell phone screen. It was getting late. The bar was going to close in 45 minutes. Suddenly, something clicked in me. I stood up, mumbled “F*ck it” under my breath, and walked into the crowd of dancing lesbians.Do you know how awkward it is to dance by yourself amidst a crowd of people all dancing in couples or groups? I’m pretty sure it’s up there in my nightmares with showing up naked to middle school and my teeth falling out of my face. But nevertheless, I started dancing. And then I saw her. I had never seen a real boi before, and this one was all abs in a sports bra and cargo shorts. She looked like she was having the time of her life and I was. It was just a nice feeling. I am a guy who has never jerked off in his life. The only sexual release I had ever had was nocturnal emissions. I was getting my first blow job. You think that I would be ready to blow. I wasn’t even close when he stopped. It really hadn’t done anything for me. It made me think that maybe I wasn’t gay.We talked about fucking. He wanted to fuck. I asked him how he like the blow job. He said that he loved it. He asked me, I told him that it was okay, and I didn’t think that I was gay. I had put Mark in the position of admitting his queer status to me and I had rejected the badge. He was now vulnerable. If I revealed he liked gay sex, his life would become a living hell. I wouldn’t and didn’t do it. We went home.Things were never the same for us after that. When school started again, he wouldn’t speak to me. I wanted to be friends still. I wanted us to stay friends. I told him that after school, I wanted him to fuck me. I wanted to give.
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