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I had tried everything to get him to show interest in me, but he resisted it all. I sat around the house wearing as little as I could get away with, tried leaving my bedroom door open so he could see in while I was dressing or undressing. I dropped hints. Once, when he was asking why I never seemed to have any boyfriends, (I had actually had several boyfriends but he did not know that) I told him straight, “I am waiting until I find someone as much like you as I can, because you are exactly what I want as my lover”, but he even ignored that open invite, telling me “You are still young yet, you will find somebody right for you when you are ready”. I could have screamed. Eventually I decided if I wanted him, and I did want him so badly, then I would have to resort to drastic measures, give him no choice at all. I waited until one Sunday morning when Mum was going out early to take her mother somewhere. Dad was still in bed asleep. Once the front door had shut I listened for the car to. A life he was not allowed a part of, a life he could not provide. After the pain and fear came hate and anger, followed by self-doubt. "Why, how had I failed her? What have I become that changed us?"He remembered her words, telling him how he had changed. He didn't feel himself changed, but then he did. Walking into the bedroom to stare at him self in the full-length mirror he wondered, "When had all these changes happen? Why hadn't I noticed them?" His thoughts darkening, "I have changed and I'm not who I was. I'm not the man she married. We've been living off of memories for how long? I wasn't there. I wasn't there for her, with her, sharing. I first left her, before she left me. Does she love him because he is the man I had been? She is loving him only as an ersatz? Is that it? Do I only need to win her back from him? Is this what it's all about?"Then in anger, "Do I want to win her back? Why am I always the one at fault? Damn it how about me? She isn't the same person I married.
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